Oh, Niles, thank God you came quickly.
I've been going mad.
It better be a real emergency, Frasier.
You pulled me away from the Gifted Infant's Toy Expo.
Yes, yes, so you missed out on buying a Tickle Me Tolstoy doll.
Niles, my problem is more important than that.
You see, I've...
Oh, dear God.
- Niles, I've committed a crime. - Don't tell me.
You forgot to send the Opera Board a thank-you note
for the Christmas brickie.
My God, man, it's a real crime.
Punishable by law.
- By law? - Of the United States of America.
Good heavens, what have you done?
I'll tell you.
But before you judge me, Niles, please,
remember how much stress I've been under lately.
Of course.
Tell me everything. Leave nothing out.
All right.
It was a dark and stormy day.
You can leave that out.
All right.
It was an average day,
marred only by a persistent cough
caused by a barista's over-nutmegging my macchiato.
Go ahead, Babette, what can I do for you?
Well, Dr. Crane,
for about a year now, I've been stealing.
I get these uncontrollable urges to take things.
Such as? Ahem.
All kinds of things.
Magazines from stores, a friend's sunglasses.
Things I don't even want.
I see. Um, ahem, go on.
It's so unlike me.
My friends think I'm dull.
They all say, "Babette, you're like an old shoe."
But stealing is so exciting.
- It's really the only time I feel alive. - Hmm.
It sounds to me like you have a classic case of klepto...
Kleptomania.
Hi, Babette, this is Roz.
And if Dr. Crane weren't hacking up a hairball,
I'm sure he would tell you that this thrill you get from stealing
makes up for an emptiness in your life.
That's the problem you really need to address.
So you should seek counselling, or at least find a support group.
- Yes, and may I add... - She's gone and we're out of time.
Well, then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane saying good day, Seattle,
and good mental health.
Are you okay? I haven't heard so much coughing since I was backstage
at Reggae Sunsplash.
Well, ahem, I'm fine, Roz. Thank you. Thank you so much.
- Your advice was spot on. - It should be.
I've heard you say the same stuff for ten years now.
"Confront your emotions."
"Communicate."
"Seek counselling."
I didn't realise my advice had become so predictable.
Well, it's not your fault everyone calls with the same dumb-ass problems.
They're not the same problems.
What about that, uh, caller last week?
The sleepwalking transvestite who kept breaking off his heels
in sewer grates?
Yeah, I remember him. You told him to seek counselling.
Yes, I also told him to wear flats.
- Did Maintenance bring that hammer? - Oh, yeah, right here.
What do you need it for?
Some imbecile is parking in my spot
despite several notes I have left on his windshield.
The time has come to take matters into my own hands.
My God, Frasier, so that's what you did.
In a rage over the commandeering of your parking space,
you took hammer to car. You are a vandal.
It was nothing like that.
My reserved sign was adangle.
I used the hammer to tack it back up.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realise this spot was reserved.
So all those notes that I left...
Must have blown away.
Well, uh, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
- Yes, heh. - So you know my show?
- It's on your sign. - Ah.
Willa Haver.
I'm so sorry. My spot is on the roof, and with the rain and everything...
Oh, no, it's understandable.
Uh, and now that I know that this is, uh, your Audi,
let me be the first to say:
"Audi, neighbour." Heh.
And that's when she took the hammer and put you out of your misery.
That would've been preferable.
You know, perhaps in the spirit of détente,
I could, uh, buy you some coffee?
Oh, well, that is so sweet of you.
But I can't right now.
Oh, well, perhaps tomorrow?
Uh, no, tomorrow's no good either.
- Next week, perhaps? - Next week I'll be out of town.
I'm not sure if we're having a devil of a time coordinating our schedules
or you're just giving me a polite brush-off.
Okay.
Now I'm sure.
My morning's travails aside, Niles.
You'll be happy to know I didn't strike out with every woman today.
- Frasier. - Hmm?
I heard the elevator, and I thought:
"I bet that's Frasier." And it is.
How are you, Mrs. Magrini?
Just grand. How many times do I have to ask you
to call me Opal?
You make me feel like an old woman. Heh.
Opal, then. Lovely to see you again.
Some weather.
Yes, it's just awful.
It's blowing a gale.
Yes, it's quite a storm.
And colder than a well digger's wallet.
Yes, that's quite apt.
I wonder if I could ask a favor.
I know you're probably as busy as an ant farm,
but do you think you could change a light bulb for me?
The last time I tried, I fell off the ladder.
- And I lay on my back like... - Like a helpless turtle?
No, like a half-hour, till the ambulance came.
Well, um...
Let me just get out of these wet shoes, and I'll be right over.
Oh, great. I'll make some tea and cookies.
We always have such lively conversations.
Yes. We're reviving a lost art.
- Hey, Fras. - Hello.
Some weather, huh?
Yes, it's raining.
I've just gone over that with Mrs. Magrini.
Come look at these pictures from our engagement party.
Yeah, that camera you gave me is terrific.
Well, is that the camera I gave you ten years ago?
I can't believe you've never used it before.
Shows you what you know.
Turns out half the shots on this roll
were taken the night you gave it to me.
Heh, Niles, come look at these old pictures.
Yes, and then we all looked at the pictures.
I remember it as if it were four hours ago.
I am coming to my point.
Oh, Martin, look at you sitting in your chair all sour and grumpy.
Must be drunk in this picture, Niles.
You've got your arm around a floor lamp.
Oh, no, that's Maris in her Easter hat.
Why are you all hunched over in this one?
Uh...
You were looking at my bum, weren't you?
Oh, heavens, no.
It's all right, Niles. We're married now.
All right, yes.
I might once, in a moment of weakness,
have permitted myself a fleeting glance.
All right, or twice.
Many, many times.
- It's all about the rear with you, isn't it? - Darling, I...
Seriously, what colour are my eyes? You're looking at it again, aren't you?
No, I...
Boy, you look at these pictures, you can see how far we've all come.
I'll say. You were such an old sourpuss,
and you with the Crypt Keeper there,
and you, well...
God, you haven't changed a bit.
You're even wearing the same jacket that you wore in this picture.
It's hardly this same. I've had it relined.
Don't mind telling you.
What happened next was particularly galling.
I remember what happened,
and I haven't a clue what you're talking about.
Our lives are so complete.
We really are lucky.
Oh, please. That's not how it happened at all.
Our lives are so complete.
We really are lucky.
Well, come on, Niles, we should be heading off to the baby show.
- Oh, right. - We might get a lead on a nanny.
You know, there are ads in the back of that Seattle Weekly.
Make sure you look in the right section.
If she says that she's got her own toys and is willing to spank,
she may not be a nanny.
Don't tell me.
In your desperation over being the only Crane man not to find love,
you picked up that paper and did the unthinkable.
Tawny LaRue, I presume.
I did no such thing.
And I am telling this story.
Very slowly.
I think you didn't do anything.
Yes, all right, I'm getting to it.
Now, you recall, I promised to change my neighbour's light bulb.
Oh...
Here we are.
I was just admiring your bust.
Thank you.
It might look nice a little higher.
It might look nice a lot higher,
but, heck, I'm 83.
Anyway, I can't thank you enough for coming to my rescue.
Yes, it's lucky you ran into me in the hall.
Oh, I knew that would be you coming out of the elevator.
If there's one thing I can count on,
it's old Frasier's routine,
unchanging as Granddads whiskers.
There's old Frasier off to work.
There's old Frasier coming home.
There's old Frasier off to work.
- There's old... - Yes, old Frasier gets the idea.
That's why I gave you my spare key. I knew if there was ever an emergency,
I could count on you.
Oh!
We should have our tea.
My date's picking me up in 20 minutes.
How marvellous, you're still dating.
Well, I think an active social life keeps you young.
So, what're you doing this evening?
I thought I'd stay in with a good book.
Ah, isn't that nice?
How you're so cosy in your routine.
Ha, you're like an old shoe, Frasier.
That's when I snapped.
You didn't.
You bludgeoned her with that bust.
No, you insane twit.
You're like an old shoe, Frasier. Now, come have some tea.
I suddenly flashed on my caller, Babette.
Before I knew what I was doing,
I impulsively pocketed something that belonged to her.
I stole, Niles.
Like some craven thief.
And I've never felt more alive.
You can't imagine the thrill I felt
as I sat there sipping her inferior tea
and eating her excellent cookies.
All the while
fingering the stolen object in my pocket.
And then how coolly I walked out scot-free,
the old bird none the wiser.
What's in there?
Oh, some sort of decorative medallion.
Well, it's pretty clear what happened.
The depressing series of events today
lead you to conclude that you're in a rut,
and your spontaneous transgression generated the excitement
that you so desperately wanted.
Any Caribbean-trained psych student could tell me that.
Well, if you didn't want my diagnosis, why did you call me here?
Niles, I am plagued by guilt.
I have to return this box before it's discovered missing.
Why did you call me here?
I need your help, Niles. I have her key. I know she's out.
We can put this back and be done with it.
I don't want to. I have excitement in my life.
Please. I can't trust myself to be alone.
I am caught in the grip of this mania.
Who knows what I might steal next?
You took a little box.
I hardly think you're gonna run off on a crime spree.
Oh, really?
Thief.
That's right.
I took it, and I liked it.
- Please, please, Niles. - I don't wanna get involved.
- Fine. I'll do it myself. Here, hold this. - What for?
Now your prints are on it too. You have to help me.
Admit it, Niles.
It's intoxicating, isn't it?
Don't you feel a tingle running down your spine?
In a minute it's going to be running down my inseam. Hurry up.
I've become a danger junkie.
A cunning cat burglar with nerves of steel.
Hide. Hide. Here, here, take this box.
- No, no. You've got a pocket. - Don't put it...
All right, everybody.
Put down your gifts, give me your coats, I'll put them in the bedroom.
Hello? Thank you.
Okay, that was the doorman.
Aunt Opal is on her way up.
Everyone find a place to hide.
All right, quiet, everybody. I hear them.
Surprise.
Oh, my goodness. Oh, you.
Frasier.
- Who are you? - I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, the neighbour.
Uh, and this is my brother, Niles.
Uh, we just wanted to say happy birthday, Opal.
- Thank you. - Did someone invite you?
Uh, well, the news of this has been buzzing through the building.
We wouldn't miss an opportunity to honor this lady.
- But how'd you get in here? - Slipped in as the door was closing.
- No, I could swear... - Stop grilling them, please, Roland.
He thinks he has to grill everyone just because he's a district attorney.
Now, what would you like to drink?
- Champagne. - Well, you know, we really can't stay.
Oh, you can stay a few minutes.
You don't wanna hurt my feelings.
- Let me take your coat. - My coat.
No, I'd really rather you... Okay.
- Oh, my God. - What? What?
You're Dr. Frasier Crane.
Here, take this, Roland.
I love your show.
It's going to be so exciting to have a celebrity here
when we take Aunt Opal's picture with her medal.
- Medal? - She won the bronze
- at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. - Oh!
So, what's it like being a huge radio star?
- Well... - Frasier?
Yes, yes, in a minute, Niles.
Uh, actually, I don't really think of myself as a star
so much as a healer.
The important thing is to listen...
- Frasier... - Not now, Niles.
Frasier, they're going to take her picture with her medal.
Yes, I heard that.
Oh, dear. Uh, excuse me for just a moment.
- Get that medal out of your coat. - Why don't you get it?
I'm a celebrity. They're watching my every move. Go on.
Aunt Opal, tell Dr. Crane the story
about how you refused to shake Hitler's hand
- when he gave you that medal. - Oh!
It looked sweaty, that's all.
Oh! Who are you?
Just a dream.
Then why aren't you Harry Truman?
Where's my cake? I'm ready for the cake.
No, not until we take the family picture, Mother.
- I got it. - Then let's take the darned picture.
- Get my medal down. - Where is it?
Same place it always is
unless it's grown legs like a tadpole and hopped away.
We have got to get that medal up there.
- We? - You're right, bad plan.
You've got to get it up there. Top shelf. Right of the sconce.
You know, before we take the picture,
I have a little story I'd like to tell
that just may rival that Hitler tale.
The place is right here.
The time was this afternoon.
Opal had just set out a lovely service of tea and a plate of sweets.
I remember there were three cookies sitting on the plate
and I reached for the left one.
Not the centre one,
the left one,
and just at the same moment, Opal reached for the same cookie.
Gosh, what did you say, Opal? It was priceless.
I said, "You take it."
Ha! Right off the top of her head.
What are you doing?
Uh, I can tell from the panic in my brother's voice
that he must have seen a spider.
You see, he has a crippling fear of spiders, and it sent him up the ladder.
Yes, I hate spiders.
I don't see a spider. Come back down.
- No. - Why not?
He also has a crippling fear of heights.
This may be the breakthrough we've been looking for. Higher, Niles.
Conquer your fear.
Please, everyone, I'm going to have to ask you to turn around
- as his fear of crowds has set in. - Crowds too?
You're looking at that rarest of beasts, the arachno-acro-agoraphobe.
Please avert your eyes.
This is the most difficult part of the process.
I am using a technique known as behavioural exposure therapy.
Climb higher, Niles.
Ever higher. Conquer your fear.
- Wow, Frasier Crane... - Janelle, please.
No peeking.
You don't want to cause a setback.
Everybody freeze.
This is the moment of truth.
I haven't done this since my days in med school.
Hurrah!
He's done it. He's conquered all three.
What are you doing?
You as an athlete should know the time-honoured tradition
of hoisting the victor on one's shoulders.
They never did that to me.
Well, you finished third, didn't you?
Now, if you'll excuse me.
I've got to journal all this while it's still fresh.
Good night, everyone.
Oh, Niles. Good Lord, I should've dipped.
Ha, ha. Yes, there we go.
Oh, God.
Oh, hey, Dad, I didn't know you guys were here. Where's Ronee?
Oh, she's in bed waiting for me.
Hey, Fras, you know what?
She can't see without her contacts. Why don't we play a joke?
- You tiptoe in... - No, Dad, I'll pass.
- Still looking at those pictures, huh? - Yeah.
- It's funny, isn't it? - What?
How suddenly your whole life can change.
I never would've dreamed back then that I'd end up getting married again.
At my age.
To someone so young and full of pep. Heh.
- I'm very happy for you and Ronee. - Yeah, that's the way it is.
Just when you think that you're in a rut
and nothing exciting will ever happen to you again,
pow, that's when it does.
- Maybe you're right. - I know I'm right.
- Good night, Fras. - Good night, Dad.
You know, you could put on my robe and my Aqua Velva...
Yeah, good night, Dad.